my downward spiral begins
I can feel it. Something has changed inside of me, and not necessarily for the better. I knew I should have been weary of all the good and deliriously happy days I've been having. I can feel it... and it makes me livid and doleful all at the same time. There are times where I feel depressed for no real reason. Where I question myself, my convictions, who i represent to myself and to other people. I become insular and reclusive.

damn it....i have been talking to Irene during the whole time i've been writing this so all the things I wanted to express here were ultimately dealt with in my conversation. I hate when I can't form cohesive thoughts or forget my good thoughts before i write them down. grr...at least i'm not as depressed as i was an hour ago.

OKAY: VERY LONG POST FROM CONVERSATION WITH IRENE***********
(but it is very imformative, if you really want to know me...ooh theres a reading list at the end)

Reddragonlady47 (7:20:05 PM): i'm writing a new blog entry on my depression
XReniegade (7:20:23 PM): hmmm
XReniegade (7:20:28 PM): dedicate it to someone you hate
Reddragonlady47 (7:20:38 PM): no
Reddragonlady47 (7:20:46 PM): i don't hate anyone
XReniegade (7:20:53 PM): yea you do
XReniegade (7:20:56 PM): you hate me
XReniegade (7:21:02 PM): for being so lovable *heart*
Reddragonlady47 (7:21:06 PM): lol
XReniegade (7:22:07 PM): I hate you for being so lovable
XReniegade (7:22:16 PM): so the sentiment is equally returned
Reddragonlady47 (7:22:47 PM): i hate you for being so unattainable in my mind
XReniegade (7:22:54 PM): uh oh
XReniegade (7:23:01 PM): I can't reciprocate the sentiment
XReniegade (7:23:07 PM): I'll just have to sleep with you to make it up
Reddragonlady47 (7:24:12 PM): i'm tired of being so sexualized
Reddragonlady47 (7:25:02 PM): i want to feel devoid of all sexual feeling
XReniegade (7:25:06 PM): hmmm
XReniegade (7:25:07 PM): ok
XReniegade (7:25:15 PM): can I use you as a maid then?
XReniegade (7:25:19 PM): I need my clothes folded
Reddragonlady47 (7:25:23 PM): i need the innocence of childhood again
Reddragonlady47 (7:25:25 PM): LOL
Reddragonlady47 (7:25:26 PM): okay
XReniegade (7:26:09 PM): hmmm
XReniegade (7:26:11 PM): Hi Ariel
XReniegade (7:26:14 PM): wanna play playdo today?
XReniegade (7:26:22 PM): Don't eat the purple one, it tastes icky
XReniegade (7:26:25 PM): I like red
XReniegade (7:26:27 PM):
Reddragonlady47 (7:26:38 PM): Are you afraid?
XReniegade (7:27:15 PM): just a little
XReniegade (7:27:32 PM): <- me when you ate all the red play do
Reddragonlady47 (7:27:41 PM): lol
Reddragonlady47 (7:27:56 PM): have i disrupted the comfort of your conversation
XReniegade (7:28:12 PM): no lol
XReniegade (7:28:30 PM): I have no comfort zone
Reddragonlady47 (7:28:41 PM): interesting
Reddragonlady47 (7:28:58 PM): are you always uncomfortable or never
XReniegade (7:29:07 PM): I'm comfortable in my own skin
Reddragonlady47 (7:29:17 PM): that's always good
XReniegade (7:29:21 PM): but other people's skin just don't fit well
Reddragonlady47 (7:29:25 PM): lol
XReniegade(7:29:30 PM): some are baggy, some or too tight
Reddragonlady47 (7:29:44 PM): i'm tired of being other people
Reddragonlady47 (7:30:11 PM): i'm tired of my fantasy world
XReniegade (7:30:12 PM): other people should become you
Reddragonlady47 (7:30:18 PM): it's not new anymore
XReniegade (7:30:21 PM): hmmm
XReniegade (7:30:25 PM): how can I make it new?
Reddragonlady47 (7:30:33 PM): i don't know
Reddragonlady47 (7:30:56 PM): i have to stop living life through my made up characters
Reddragonlady47 (7:31:30 PM): i tend to get obsessive about certain points in my fantasy world
Reddragonlady47 (7:31:39 PM): i think about them all the time
XReniegade (7:31:46 PM): like the albino and ekobah?
Reddragonlady47 (7:32:00 PM): deeper than that
Reddragonlady47 (7:32:15 PM): and then i hate how obsessive i get
Reddragonlady47 (7:32:29 PM): and i become disgusted with my own mind
Reddragonlady47 (7:32:38 PM): and my own thoughts
XReniegade(7:33:39 PM): hmmm
XReniegade (7:33:44 PM): everything in moderation
Reddragonlady47 (7:33:53 PM): i'm not that way
XReniegade (7:34:03 PM): don't become too obsessive over things
Reddragonlady47 (7:34:25 PM): my mind sticks to ideas and thoughts, one at a time
XReniegade (7:34:39 PM): hmmm
Reddragonlady47 (7:35:21 PM): i'm not satisfied till i explore every avenue of that idea or concept
Reddragonlady47 (7:35:33 PM): and then i abandon it
Reddragonlady47 (7:35:40 PM): and look for another
XReniegade (7:36:11 PM): hmmm
XReniegade (7:36:15 PM): that's rather odd
Reddragonlady47 (7:36:19 PM): Are you afraid now?
XReniegade (7:36:21 PM): its good to have a fantasy world
XReniegade (7:36:34 PM): but not to the point where you mind is completely swallowed by it
XReniegade (7:36:38 PM): I'm not scared
Reddragonlady47 (7:36:42 PM): good
XReniegade (7:36:43 PM): it takes a lot to scare me
XReniegade (7:36:50 PM): like the urban legends thing
XReniegade (7:36:52 PM):
XReniegade (7:36:53 PM): scary
Reddragonlady47 (7:36:54 PM): lol
XReniegade (7:37:08 PM): My friend Faye
XReniegade (7:37:23 PM): used to be completely taken by her fantasies
XReniegade (7:37:25 PM): like it was bad
Reddragonlady47 (7:37:37 PM): oh...Faye
XReniegade (7:37:38 PM): she would begin talking and acting like some character she made up
Reddragonlady47 (7:38:03 PM): i'm afraid to end up that way
XReniegade (7:38:12 PM): you had to call her by her character's name or she would not respond
Reddragonlady47 (7:38:17 PM): i do that you know
Reddragonlady47 (7:38:23 PM): just not to other people
XReniegade (7:38:35 PM): do you write a lot?
Reddragonlady47 (7:38:44 PM): i can't
Reddragonlady47 (7:38:57 PM): whatever i write doesn't come out how i want it too
Reddragonlady47 (7:39:16 PM): i have the mind of a writer without the inclination to write
XReniegade (7:39:16 PM): if you got these ideas and released them on paper
Reddragonlady47 (7:39:22 PM): i'm trying
XReniegade (7:39:25 PM): don't write in organization
XReniegade (7:39:33 PM): forget grammar, english
XReniegade (7:39:35 PM): vocabulary
XReniegade (7:39:47 PM): she regugitate on power without worrying about structure or comprehension
Reddragonlady47 (7:39:56 PM): that's so strange, that's exactly what i did today,
XReniegade (7:39:59 PM): that sentence came out bizarre
Reddragonlady47 (7:40:04 PM): lol
XReniegade (7:40:16 PM): just regurgitate on paper without worrying about studying or comprehension
XReniegade (7:40:43 PM): funnel your ideas into a medium that does require morphing into an entirely different person
Reddragonlady47 (7:40:49 PM): i need to start carrying a notebook around
XReniegade (7:40:51 PM): I'm always here to discuss and share fantasies with you
Reddragonlady47 (7:40:55 PM): that's a good idea
Reddragonlady47 (7:41:14 PM): these phases don't occur that often
Reddragonlady47 (7:41:25 PM): i haven't felt like this for a few years
XReniegade (7:42:01 PM):
XReniegade (7:42:03 PM): Me here! Me here!
XReniegade (7:42:07 PM): Me care! Me care!
XReniegade (7:42:11 PM): Me Free! Me Free!
XReniegade (7:42:24 PM): Psychitrist expensive!
Reddragonlady47 (7:42:29 PM): lol
Reddragonlady47 (7:42:52 PM): it's strange how you have become my sounding board
Reddragonlady47 (7:43:03 PM): i like sharing my thoughts with you
XReniegade (7:43:20 PM): oh I feel so tingly inside
XReniegade (7:44:50 PM): your fantasies are fun (since I lack any)
XReniegade (7:44:57 PM): but I have no idea they were manifesting your life
Reddragonlady47 (7:45:07 PM): well good, live vicariously
XReniegade (7:45:23 PM): I'm going to be a terrible mother if so
Reddragonlady47 (7:45:24 PM): i lack a true sense of self
Reddragonlady47 (7:45:31 PM): lol
XReniegade (7:45:33 PM): well its college time
XReniegade (7:45:37 PM): thats when you build it up
Reddragonlady47 (7:45:46 PM): i suppose
XReniegade (7:46:00 PM): High school was too constricted of an eviroment to really express yourself in free form
Reddragonlady47 (7:46:19 PM): yes, too confined
XReniegade (7:46:50 PM): social pressure to fit in a certain mold I suppose
Reddragonlady47 (7:46:55 PM): by rules, and groups
Reddragonlady47 (7:46:57 PM): yes
XReniegade (7:47:12 PM): although our group wasn't as bad
Reddragonlady47 (7:47:17 PM): i just read this book called stargirl
Reddragonlady47 (7:47:27 PM): it was about conformity
XReniegade (7:47:29 PM): I don't think it provided a secure atmosphere for everyone to really let themselves out
Reddragonlady47 (7:47:36 PM): no
XReniegade (7:47:38 PM): I think I dominated the air by being too out there
Reddragonlady47 (7:47:44 PM): no
Reddragonlady47 (7:47:54 PM): you were a breath of fresh air
Reddragonlady47 (7:48:00 PM): something different
XReniegade (7:48:02 PM): ooh ooh
Reddragonlady47 (7:48:04 PM): i liked that
XReniegade (7:48:09 PM): can I be the nice clean air from the alps
Reddragonlady47 (7:48:12 PM): even when i was intimidated
Reddragonlady47 (7:48:16 PM): lol ok
XReniegade (7:48:16 PM): no LA smog
XReniegade (7:48:20 PM): though I am a product of LA
XReniegade (7:48:36 PM): I never felt conforming
XReniegade (7:48:48 PM): but I don't think I expressed enough how much I wanted everyone to break out
Reddragonlady47 (7:48:59 PM): you should read stargirl
XReniegade (7:49:03 PM): I should
Reddragonlady47 (7:49:21 PM): it's about a girl who is so different than the others at her school
Reddragonlady47 (7:49:36 PM): i don't know
Reddragonlady47 (7:49:49 PM): it's made me contemplative all afternoon
XReniegade (7:50:09 PM): well I'm hoping college gives you an open area
XReniegade (7:50:12 PM): you are brilliant
XReniegade (7:50:16 PM): you deserve to be free
XReniegade (7:50:32 PM): I'm glad I can conform most of me expressions and emotions into these emoticons
Reddragonlady47 (7:50:44 PM): hee hee
Reddragonlady47 (7:50:56 PM): i think i'm a voyeur at heart
XReniegade (7:51:02 PM): ooh
Reddragonlady47 (7:51:15 PM): i like watching...just not partaking
XReniegade (7:51:20 PM): an observer
Reddragonlady47 (7:51:23 PM): yes
XReniegade (7:51:27 PM): that's good
XReniegade (7:51:35 PM): you catch things some people never catch
XReniegade (7:51:47 PM): like me who never knew there was a drinking fountain on the 2nd floor until 2 weeks ago
Reddragonlady47 (7:51:53 PM): lol
Reddragonlady47 (7:53:03 PM): you have completely destroyed anything i wanted to write on my blog
XReniegade (7:53:15 PM):
XReniegade (7:53:17 PM):
XReniegade (7:53:19 PM):
Reddragonlady47 (7:53:39 PM): i was using my blog to deal with my feelings
XReniegade (7:53:48 PM): uh oh
Reddragonlady47 (7:53:53 PM): but i just wrote everything i wanted to write here with you
XReniegade (7:54:03 PM): you can spank me (preferably hard )
Reddragonlady47 (7:54:33 PM): your comment falls on deaf ears
Reddragonlady47 (7:54:51 PM): no sexual references for a while from me
Reddragonlady47 (7:54:57 PM): :-P
XReniegade (7:55:01 PM): oh ok *gets soap and cleans act up*
Reddragonlady47 (7:55:07 PM): lol
Reddragonlady47 (7:55:18 PM): :-D
XReniegade (7:55:23 PM): you just had to tell me that the moment I ordered red lace lingerei
XReniegade (7:55:27 PM): *sigh*
XReniegade (7:55:33 PM): now who am I going to wear it for
XReniegade (7:55:38 PM): j/k j/k
XReniegade (7:55:45 PM): I will be clean lol
Reddragonlady47 (7:55:46 PM): hee hee...my smileys are not all that expressive
Reddragonlady47 (7:55:48 PM): lol
Reddragonlady47 (7:55:50 PM): it's okay
Reddragonlady47 (7:55:57 PM): you can be yourself
XReniegade (7:56:03 PM): lol
XReniegade (7:56:05 PM): me myself?
Reddragonlady47 (7:56:10 PM): don't change if you don't want to
XReniegade (7:56:13 PM): dude let's bust out with the duplex lego and play do
Reddragonlady47 (7:56:20 PM): lol


Reading List:

Just Finished: Stargirl by Jerry Spinneli...awesome book, left me depressed and contemplative though. totally reccomend it though

Still Reading: Wheel of Time books; The Dragon Reborn (book 3)...just started this actually

Just Started: Plainsong (Kent Haruf), Jude the Obscure (Thomas Hardy), The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)...cuz I really have to stop bashing this book before reading it. Who knows, maybe I'll be joining her cult by the end of it.

Random Book of the Week: (literally chosen at random from the library) Mamba by Stuart Cloete

books to read eventually: the giver, the mediator series,


- posted by ariel at 7:10 PM